Do not feed after midnight. Do no expose to water.
I know. You read the title and you probably thought, “EGADS! Corey’s finally lost his mind on this little bloggy thing and this negro has finally gone too far!”
And I have.
But let me start by saying that you people started it. And before you get indignant and acting like it wasn’t you, I’d like to direct you to your own Facebook pages to see pictures of you and yours last week collectively acting up in Washington DC using the inauguration as an excuse to drink, cavort, and act dandy spending money you know you had no business spending. Not just that, but I think we’ve gotten a bit ahead of ourselves since last week on this whole “Black President” high and we’re neglecting the fact that whole one of us has ascended, many of us just ain’t gonna make it.
Let me be more explicit here…
Black folks, we ain’t gonna make it.
Dr. King, Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and Jadakiss were wrong.
But there is a solution…
I’ve compiled a list of the top offenders of sense and sensibility in our community for immediate expulsion/remanumission to the nearest cotton patch, tobacco field, or peanut grove to atone for the sins they have committed against us collectively as a people.
If given the opportunity, I would gladly accept cash payment to place the following individuals back into slavery…
1.) R. Kelly- If the ship pulled up to Jamestown tomorrow and they offered me $30 and a few bushels of hay, I can’t think of one person I’d enjoy sending back more that Arruh. Let’s start with his catalogue of “music” which has given us such uplifting classics as “Feeling On Your Booty,” “Ignition,” the “Ignition” remix,” and another song that I don’t recall the name of but that gave us the most intellectually stimulating line, “Like two gorillas in the jungle making love.” Oh, and in case you forgot, he’s also a pedophile and only roams the streets because a jury of his peers were as ignorant as him. The way white people feel about OJ, that’s how I feel about R. Kelly. The next hit I’d like to hear him sing is “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.”
2.) Ken Blackwell- The former Ohio Secretary of State and current candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee is everything that’s wrong with black conservatism. Unlike Alan Keyes or Michael Steele who seem to have articualted (somewhat for Alan) where they stand and why, Ken Blackwell seems to only find pleasure in being a Republican because he pleases white people by doing so (see: 2004 elections/Ohio vote fraud). You know what else would please white people? Serving them tea and tending their fields.
3.) Flavor Flav- How does one go from being a member of what’s arguably the most important hip hop group ever, Public Enemy, to becoming a smiling caricature of himelf openly pining for the affection of strippers, scallywags, and assorted harlots on a shitty VH1 reality show? To call Flavor Of Love a travesty would be like calling the Bush administration a minor setback in policy. I don’t know how Chuck D still calls this man a friend without wanting to kick him in the nuts every time he sees him.
4.) Ray J- Because he’s useless. He’s like the black male version of Paris Hilton. He needs a banjo and a cotton gin and leave civilized society alone.
5.) Tyler Perry- Because Madea Goes To Jail is coming soon to a theater near you. Seriously, it is.
6.) Bob Johnson- BET is all his fault.
7.) Adam “Pacman” Jones- Anywhere he goes, the threat level rises to Orange. This is the guy who showed up at a strip club in Vegas with $80,000 in cash in a trash bag and left in his wake a dead bouncer, paralyzed stripper, and several felony counts. But did he learn his lesson? Nope, ol’ Pacman can’t stay out of the shakey butt clubs to save his life or career. The commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goddell, reinstated him under the explicit instructions, “Pacman, stay out of the shakey butt” but Mr. Jones just can’t stay away having been most recently released by the Dallas Cowboys for allegedly asking an associate of his to shoot someone else on his behalf at a strip club. I think we can find a spot on the ship for him.
8.) Kwame Kilpatrick- The former (and most likely future) mayor of Detroit. All that stuff I just said about Pacman? Trade out Roger Goddell for a judge, and the stories are eerily similar. Dead strippers, malfeasance, corruption, and ugly suits, not to mention an affair with his chief of staff and you have the makings of a story so ridiculous, it could only happen in Detroit.
9.) Cynthia McKinney- Boy does this woman get loonier and loonier every year. Former congresswoman from Georgia turned Green Party candidate for president who’s made it her lifelong mission to say something today that’s just a little bit more batshit crazy than something she said yesterday. And the hair don’t help.
10.) The Real Housewives Of Atlanta- I don’t know if they should be sold back into slavery or just sent back into poverty, but clearly there are some people who should have never been given money. If you want to know the root of the financial crisis in America, look no further than these women living beyond their means, hyperextending credit, fakin’ it until they makin’ it, and looking unbearably silly in the process. I don’t have the time nor the inclination to get into the specifics of why I hate the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but just know that I get up every day and go to a job that I work hard at every day and I hate to see the notion of honest work for honest pay bastardized by the idea that you can just kinda happen into money if you’re cute enough or marry the right person. I’d like to see them all in big brand new houses… cleaning them for someone else.
*Now, I know slavery was awful and shouldn’t be trifled with as a punchline to a joke, but I dare you to take anyone on this list and make a compelling argument as to why they should be allowed to stay free and I might entertain it. Until then, they’re all going back on the boat.
