We stay fly, no lie, you know this...
Alright, alright… So I watched some of the congressional hearings today with some Wall St. CEOs getting grilled about what they’ve done with their businesses since they recieved TARP fund.
Admittedly, some of it was quite interesting… I rather enjoyed seeing some of the fine minds that got us into this shit having to answer for how it all happened in the first place. It was like watching a parent ask a child where he or she went wrong during the course of a semester that caused them to bring home a D in English (I know this well, I got a D in English).
But one thing really concerned me about the discussion; the demonizing of bonuses.
Let me make this abundantly clear as both a capitalist and a corporate monkey…
WE NEED OUR BONUSES, MAN!
I know it seems like the in thing to do to say that people who work for bailed out banks shouldn’t be recieving bonuses and that its inconsiderate to taxpayers that our hard earned money is going to pay for them. Hell, I even said I was gonna rob bankers yesterday, but I just want my cut of the TARP money, not their bonus money.
Let’s break it down for a sec. Alright, these banks involved in the bailout are giant, multi-faceted entities that on paper exist as a singular corporation, but in practice operate as independently functioning arms. Its kind of like you and your cousins; you share a name and grandparents but not Lil Lonnie’s gambling habit or Toya’s crack addiction, so while you may be subject to the same set of genetic traits, your success and failure aren’t predicated on theirs. That said, some divisions of these banks have done well (see: You graduating Cum Laude from Harvard), while others have really screwed the pooch (see: Your Uncle Charles who just finished doing a bid for armed robbery back in ‘87).
Now, would it be fair for you to be penalized for the actions of another member in your family? Of course not, so why suspend bonuses for guys on Wall St. who may have had nothing to do with the financial crisis.
Let me put it to you another way…
I’ve worked at several companies throughout my professional career. Some of them gave bonuses, some of them didn’t, and based on that, I gauged my level of commitment to a project. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a story…
A few years back, I was working at a company that told me that I was going to get a bonus if I contributed to helping grow the business and making a positive impact on the bottom line. So I did just that. I worked late, I worked hard, I gave it 150% on everything and made it my concern to do everything the best way I could, not because I’m a perfectionist, but because I’m a capitalist.
Fast forward to bonus time… I didn’t get a bonus, instead, we got new furniture for the reception area. Bullshit. At that moment, I no longer felt invested in my company or my clients and I decided that I was going to do just enough to be good enough, but not enough to be great. I showed up at work late and left early. I didn’t take work home of weekends or even weeknights. At 5:00, I was out the door. Gone. That is if I hadn’t already left at 3:00 to get drunk with some of my other bonusless coworkers who had all adopted the same “Fuck it” mantra that I had. Long story short, I left that company soon after and went to a company that did bonus.
Night and day difference.
When the principles of the company told me that bonuses were contingent upon hard work and protecting the bottom line and I saw how everyone was commited to protecting the bottom line (see: their chunk of the bonus money), I jumped in whole hog. At the end of the year, when the same principles sat me down and gave me a check, I was fully converted. Its not that I liked that job any more or any less, its that I was invested in it.
And that’s the key, you want employees to feel invested.
When they’re invested they show up early and leave late. They work on weekends and holidays. They check the Blackberry at midnight and catch the 6am flight to visit clients. Not because they feel like they have to, but because they know that its worth it to them.
You don’t want to cut out bonuses for the folks on Wall St.
Trust me.
I’ve showed up to a non-bonus job surly, irritable, late, and drunk enough to know that people are only gonna work as hard as they feel is neccessary not to get fired but not too hard since they’re not gonna get broke off at the end of the year.
Stop hatin’ and get money.
3 responses so far ↓
Drunken Corporate Monkey JQ // February 12, 2009 at 8:59 pm |
Analogizing the divisions of a corporation to cousins in your family was poetic and accurate…
Way to put that “D” level English to work!
Drunken Medical Monkey OH // February 12, 2009 at 11:29 pm |
Great column….but I must say: sounds like you (and all these bonus getting bastards) are just a bit spoiled, to me. Look at it like this:
Take teachers for example. The lifeblood of our entire existence – you can’t be ANYTHING without having been taught or schooled in some skill set, trade, occupation or vocation. These tireless, often non-commended persons give many years of their life not only to furthering and improving their own knowledge base, but also to the advancement of everyone who is under their tutelage. I’m speaking mainly for the primary and grade school educators, as well as the secondary education professors who spend YEARS trying to gain tenure. Yes, where is THEIR bonus? How would you feel as a student or parent of a student if your (child’s) instructor came to work with the “fuck it” attitude, not caring about those they’re charged with teaching, or the environment in which they administer the knowledge? Take that in for a sec…
The teachers are just one of many examples. I believe the corporate higher ups need to look at the big picture – our country is in need, and them taking extra money when extra work has not been put in isn’t right. Your personal example is different — you were a mid-level worker in that company, and too bad you’ didn’t get the bonus you did deserve. But odds are those above you received an exponentially larger bonus for doing much less work.
Take that one to the bank….
David Gaines // February 15, 2009 at 8:51 pm |
I’m in a commission-based position so I understand how money tied to effort equals motivation. Recently, though, our commission compensation plan went down (not much but the symbolism behind it was much greater), our benefits got more expensive (but they still won’t cover my condom expenses) and we had to take a five-day furlough, I mean, volunteer some unpaid days off or you’ll be at the Dept. of Unemployment next week.
When I heard about the pay being capped and the bonuses being debated and all that, the first thing I thought was, well, they’re going to “bail out” already, to another company or another industry where they feel appreciated and we’re going to be left with a bunch of highly-paid, not as qualified or experienced bankers with a budget or millions of our money to fix a problem that is so out of control that, well, we’re going to need to bring in the consultants to help fix. And those consultants are going to be former bonus-earning bankers who are going to charge out the wazoo and make a hefty bonus from their consulting companies.
Go figure.