Ante up!
After hearing Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner outline his plan for the rest of the Trouble Asset Recovery Program (TARP) funds today (about another $350 billion to the banks), I kinda got worried.
-The plan lacks any kind of specifics as to what the banks are supposed to do with the money.
-There’s no guarantee that credit is going to be easier to get in the forseeable future.
-It looks a lot like more of the same, just with a different group of bankers running it.
But after about ten or fifteen minutes of pondering what this means to me and my pockets, I had an epiphany.
I’m gonna get me some of that TARP money too.
At first I contemplated declaring myself a Bank Holding Corporation and then petitioning the government for some dough… But then I realized that I might have to pay that money back one day. Then I thought about maybe changing careers, heading to Wall St. and trying my hand as a fraudulent hedge fund manager… But that shit would take to long and let’s face it, I need relief, now.
So I did a quick check on Orbitz for a plane ticket from Austin, TX to New York, double checked my checking account balance, looked in the closet for a ski mask, and pulled the old baseball bat I keep in my trunk out. I had a plan… Oh yes, a plan indeed.
I’ve decided that I’m going to take my case directly to Wall St. If they won’t give me and those around me the credit that we need, I’m just going to use other tools at my disposal (see: Ski Mask, Bat) to try to “coerce” them into changing their minds. Or at least handing over their wallets.
Oh yeah, muthafuckas, I read the paper… I know its a whole lotta bankers about to get their hands on a whole lotta money and well, it’s time to g’head and have them break the average taxpayer (see: Me) off with a lil’ sum’n sum’n for our troubles too.
Now, I’m not advocating armed robbery, all I’m saying is that its about time our friends tithed some of that TARP. You know, do it like church and put both hands in the air while you holler out “Jesus!”… Right now, that’s just the best plan of action I think the average American can take to get their finances back to where they used to be.
OR…
Maybe someone up there at Treasury could use some sense here and say that the money that these banks are getting needs to go back to the people who gave it to them in the form of credit, loans, and cashflow that’s been choked up for the past seven months. I mean, that would be fair, right? But if not, and you’re a CEO out in these streets shinin’ and flashin’, me and my bat might show up outside your place of employment for an impromptu loan application session.
What say ye, bankers?
6 responses so far ↓
Drunken Monkey JQ // February 10, 2009 at 9:34 pm |
May want to consider another tact — working for the banks, cause if you come to my bank, I’m gonna whup yo ass like you actually stole somethin!
Princessbutterfly // February 10, 2009 at 10:52 pm |
I hope they use the rest of the TARP money wisely and I hope the stimulus money is put to good use. I’m not sure I agree with all that is in there but hopefully it works. I heard a really cool stat the other day that if they gave each American a share of the stimulus than it would come up to $20,000 per person. Could you image what that would do to the average American.
Its mine keep your grimy hands off... // February 10, 2009 at 11:13 pm |
Im with you on this one Corey. With one exception. I say first we take the money back from the banks(they take enough of my money with ATM fees and Home Loan interest). Then we march our semi happy asses to Washington and take back the 900 kajillion dollars they want to allocate to the “Give Uncle Sam All of Your Mony Plan (or as the idiots call it “The Stimulus Plan”).
Let me decide what to do with MY money.
And we can’t blame just the CEO’s, they did donate our money to numerous campaing funds (and to the blind…its not either Rebups or Dimcrats…its both)
Lets take our country back……starting with our money.
So do you got a spare mask?
killaR // February 11, 2009 at 12:07 am |
i’m mostly concerned with the pic that you found with the ski mask.
Ruth J. // February 11, 2009 at 2:30 am |
My take on the whole thing is: SOS, different day.
thatbitchyalllovetohate // February 19, 2009 at 7:28 pm |
Your wit never ceases to amaze me. I too have thought of attacking those smug fucks I see on the train with their Tumi briefcases tapping away on their crackberries UNDERGROUND. A better tactic would be to pay one of the poor Mexican line cooks at the restaurants the bankers frequent to grind valium up and put it in their food. This way, when the itis kicks in and they pass out at the tables, taking their wallets becomes like a corporate easter egg hunt.