This Week’s Candidate For A Beating In The Streets

Whoever is repsonsible for this bullshit…

I don’t know who these folks are, but I hope that something unpleasant and painful happens to them soon.  If you choose to allow people like this to do your taxes, I hope you find yourself in the Ron Isely wing of a federal prison.

I think these people should get sold back too.

Republicans Admit They Also Have A Thing For Black Dudes…

Where Brooklyn at?

Michael Steele has been named chairman of the Republican National Convention and let me be the first one to say, “Congratulations, nigga!”

I don’t know why this news makes me so happy… Maybe because its another job that a white guy clearly should have that’s been taken by a black man (see: President Of The United States).  Well, this is going to be an interesting next few years as the Republicans are looking like they’re embracing both diversity and searching for some street cred with the pick.

Michael Steele, HRNIC.

**UPDATE**

Alright, usually I don’t do a lot of linking of blogs to my blog and I generally make it a practice to approve 98% of the comments submitted without my own commentary so as to foment more responses… But yo, sometimes people reply to the blog that are just so batshit crazy that I gotta call it out.

Today’s example, this guy: http://prolifer1.wordpress.com/

I don’t know if this muhfucka needs a hug, a sandwich, Jesus, or Oprah, but I’m deeply concerned that he might know where I live.

Larry King’s Son Wants To Be Black… Obviously, He Wants The Perks

Well, let me be the first one to say to Cannon King, “NIGGA, PLEASE!”… Look, I know this kid is probably sincere in his respect and admiration for black people and I’m sure that somewhere in this display we’re seeing a real tearing down of old racist notions, but let’s be real for a second; I’ve been black for 30 years now and up until last week there were very few perks involved with it.

Let’s see, what are the perks of being black in America?

-You get to hang out in marginal neighborhoods or other dangerous urban environments and “keep it real”… “Real” as in dodging bullets, thieves, and cops.  “Real” kinda sucks, man.

-Giving and recieving dap without looking pretentious or foolish.  I don’t know what it is about seeing two white guys give each other a high-five, but that shit always looks corny and uncomfortable.

-You get to claim the rights to the Blues, Jazz, Rock and Roll, and Hip Hop.  Although claiming said rights clearly won’t make you any money (ask Chuck Berry) and the bragging potential is offset by the fact that once any of these things reach their artistic zenith, someone else comes and usurps it.

-You get all the jokes on Def Comedy Jam.  I never realized how much some of that shit was so specific until I sat down with an asian friend of mine and watched some old Def Comedy Jam eps… He was lost.  I had to explin to him what a hair weave was and that some of them are indeed maid of horse hair.

-You get to use the word “Nigga”.  For better or for worse, it is a perk that comes with being black.  White people wish they could do it all the time, they do… trust me.  And what some black people won’t admit is, saying nigga is kinda fun.  Lemme take that back, THAT SHIT IS REALLY FUN!

Now, if Cannon King wants to give up cultural imperialism, access to just about all the power in the world, and having a face that’s essentially a coupon for some dap and to understand Menace II Society, so be it.  I just think its funny.

Everybody wants to be black until the cops show up.

An Open Letter To Kanye West.

Dear Kanye,

The League Of Flamboyant Gentlemen

What in the fuck is up with you and your crew and their poor choice of haberdashery?  Remember that post I made about people I’d like to sell back into slavery?  Well, add 90% of this picture to that.  Seriously, if Kanye was looking to lose a fan in 2009, he’s doing a great job getting rid of me.

If anyone sees Kanye West or any of these other weirdos roaming your streets, tell them to call me and I’ll pray for them.

Black People Who Need To Be Sold Back Into *Slavery

Do not feed after midnight. Do no expose to water.

I know.  You read the title and you probably thought, “EGADS!  Corey’s finally lost his mind on this little bloggy thing and this negro has finally gone too far!”

And I have.

But let me start by saying that you people started it.  And before you get indignant and acting like it wasn’t you, I’d like to direct you to your own Facebook pages to see pictures of you and yours last week collectively acting up in Washington DC using the inauguration as an excuse to drink, cavort, and act dandy spending money you know you had no business spending.  Not just that, but I think we’ve gotten a bit ahead of ourselves since last week on this whole “Black President” high and we’re neglecting the fact that whole one of us has ascended, many of us just ain’t gonna make it.

Let me be more explicit here…

Black folks, we ain’t gonna make it.

Dr. King, Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and Jadakiss were wrong.

But there is a solution…

I’ve compiled a list of the top offenders of sense and sensibility in our community for immediate expulsion/remanumission to the nearest cotton patch, tobacco field, or peanut grove to atone for the sins they have committed against us collectively as a people.

If given the opportunity, I would gladly accept cash payment to place the following individuals back into slavery…

1.) R. Kelly- If the ship pulled up to Jamestown tomorrow and they offered me $30 and a few bushels of hay, I can’t think of one person I’d enjoy sending back more that Arruh.  Let’s start with his catalogue of “music” which has given us such uplifting classics as “Feeling On Your Booty,” “Ignition,” the “Ignition” remix,” and another song that I don’t recall the name of but that gave us the most intellectually stimulating line, “Like two gorillas in the jungle making love.”  Oh, and in case you forgot, he’s also a pedophile and only roams the streets because a jury of his peers were as ignorant as him.  The way white people feel about OJ, that’s how I feel about R. Kelly.  The next hit I’d like to hear him sing is “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.”

2.) Ken Blackwell- The former Ohio Secretary of State and current candidate for chairman of the Republican National Committee is everything that’s wrong with black conservatism.  Unlike Alan Keyes or Michael Steele who seem to have articualted (somewhat for Alan) where they stand and why, Ken Blackwell seems to only find pleasure in being a Republican because he pleases white people by doing so (see: 2004 elections/Ohio vote fraud).  You know what else would please white people?  Serving them tea and tending their fields.

3.) Flavor Flav-  How does one go from being a member of what’s arguably the most important hip hop group ever, Public Enemy, to becoming a smiling caricature of himelf openly pining for the affection of strippers, scallywags, and assorted harlots on a shitty VH1 reality show?  To call Flavor Of Love a travesty would be like calling the Bush administration a minor setback in policy.  I don’t know how Chuck D still calls this man a friend without wanting to kick him in the nuts every time he sees him.

4.) Ray J-  Because he’s useless.  He’s like the black male version of Paris Hilton.  He needs a banjo and a cotton gin and leave civilized society alone.

5.) Tyler Perry-  Because Madea Goes To Jail is coming soon to a theater near you.  Seriously, it is.

6.) Bob Johnson-  BET is all his fault.

7.) Adam “Pacman” Jones-  Anywhere he goes, the threat level rises to Orange.  This is the guy who showed up at a strip club in Vegas with $80,000 in cash in a trash bag and left in his wake a dead bouncer, paralyzed stripper, and several felony counts.  But did he learn his lesson?  Nope, ol’ Pacman can’t stay out of the shakey butt clubs to save his life or career.  The commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goddell, reinstated him under the explicit instructions, “Pacman, stay out of the shakey butt”  but Mr. Jones just can’t stay away having been most recently released by the Dallas Cowboys for allegedly asking an associate of his to shoot someone else on his behalf at a strip club.  I think we can find a spot on the ship for him.

8.) Kwame Kilpatrick- The former (and most likely future) mayor of Detroit.  All that stuff I just said about Pacman?  Trade out Roger Goddell for a judge, and the stories are eerily similar.  Dead strippers, malfeasance, corruption, and ugly suits, not to mention an affair with his chief of staff and you have the makings of a story so ridiculous, it could only happen in Detroit.

9.) Cynthia McKinney-  Boy does this woman get loonier and loonier every year.  Former congresswoman from Georgia turned Green Party candidate for president who’s made it her lifelong mission to say something today that’s just a little bit more batshit crazy than something she said yesterday.  And the hair don’t help.

10.) The Real Housewives Of Atlanta-  I don’t know if they should be sold back into slavery or just sent back into poverty, but clearly there are some people who should have never been given money.  If you want to know the root of the financial crisis in America, look no further than these women living beyond their means, hyperextending credit, fakin’ it until they makin’ it, and looking unbearably silly in the process.  I don’t have the time nor the inclination to get into the specifics of why I hate the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but just know that I get up every day and go to a job that I work hard at every day and I hate to see the notion of honest work for honest pay bastardized by the idea that you can just kinda happen into money if you’re cute enough or marry the right person.  I’d like to see them all in big brand new houses… cleaning them for someone else.

*Now, I know slavery was awful and shouldn’t be trifled with as a punchline to a joke, but I dare you to take anyone on this list and make a compelling argument as to why they should be allowed to stay free and I might entertain it.  Until then, they’re all going back on the boat.

A Little Theme Music For Today…

I’ll be doing different variations of the Cabbage Patch, Running Man, and The Wop to this all day…

I Had to Repost This: My Plans For Inauguration Day

*Previously seen on Facebook*

Listen up muthafuckas

I have a few plans for what I’m going to be doing on Tuesday to have fun with my white friends… Some of it is kinda wrong, but it just feels oh so right.  So, here’s my list of things I’m going to do on Inauguration Day in Austin.

1.) On inauguration day, I’m going to go to Starbuck’s (the veritable bastion and capital of whiteness in America) and order the most complex, complicated, and convoluted cup of coffee possible. My instructions will be so specific that it will take the baristas 15 or 20 minutes to make it, and that should be plenty of time to allow a long line of white people to accrue behind me. When I’m finally handed my order, and after denying you and your people their much needed caffeine fix for the morning I’m going to sip it and say, “No no no no no! This is all wrong. I’m just gonna go to Dunkin’ Donuts… WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

2.) On Super Bowl Sunday, I’m going to invite one white friend to my house to watch the game with me and several of my black associates. Upon their arrival, I will give them an apron and demand they serve me and my friends for the duration of the game. They will probably protest and try to leave, but when they do, I will have the door blocked and then ask them if they’d like to reconsider their options. As they sulk back to the kitchen to fix us a plate of Doritos and hot wings, I’m going to say, “BET YOU MISS YOUR FREEDOM NOW! NAT TURNER CAN’T SAVE YOU, WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

3.) I will arrive at least 23 minutes late to any function I’m invited to. When people take issue with my tardiness I’m going to say, “YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE TOOK A LONG TIME? HUH? DO YA? GETTIN’ OUR FREEDOM! WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

4.) I will carry a John Carlos circa 1968 black power glove in my back pocket and wear it whenever I need to conduct business with white people. When I’m queried about it, I will simply say, “There’s only two places this glove goes one is on my hand and two is across curious white people’s faces. Where do you want me to put it? WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

5a.) I will lobby my congressman to make Samuel L. Jackson’s birthday a national holiday and host weekly screenings of “Black Snake Moan” and “A Time To Kill”. I will also lobby to make Morgan Freeman’s birthday a holiday and once a month I’ll show “Deep Impact” at the Alamo Draft House. Before each showing I will announce to the audience, “AWWW NAWWW, THIS AIN’T NO BULLSHIT CINEMA! WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

5b.) I will lobby to make Keith David the president’s press secretary… I don’t know why, but it just seems like whenever that nigga talks, he means business.

6.) I will bring neckbones and chitterlings to potluck dinners with my white friends. When they inquire and to why I would bring such savage food to a sophisticated function I will say, “YOU SCOFF AND THE FOOD THAT MY ANCESTORS SURVIVED ON!?!? EAT YOU A NECKBONE, SUCKA! WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

7.) I will demand that Curtis Mayfield, Isaac Hayes, Eddie Kendricks, and Lenny Williams records be added to the list of songs at karaoke. When they refuse, I will say, “HOW MANY NIGGAS YOU KNOW SING ‘BROWN EYED GIRL IN THE SHOWER? YOU CAN’T PUT THE SOUL ON HOLD! WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT, BYATCH!”

8.) I will walk like George Jefferson.

My point is, I will be an intolerable and unbelievable ass on Tuesday and after talking to some of my closest black friends, they say they are too. I guess my best advice to you is to would be to make nice with every black person you know now, because as of January 20, 2009 we’re gonna be a problem.

Corey Richardson’s Soundtrack To The Inauguration

I am many things…  In my life, while a blogger, I’m a professional (yes, I actually have a real job), I’ve been a stand-up comedian (one day I’ll post the link to that), and I’ve spent many years as a nightclub DJ (if you’re looking to hire someone for gigs in Austin, let a brotha know, I got a good price).  As such, I often intertwine and intermingle my creative and intellectual pursuits with one another to keep my mind occupied and to prevent one part of my personality from overtaking the others.

That said, I’ve decided to compile a soundtrack for this year’s inauguration.  After taking a look at what’s going on in America right now and looking at the players involved, I’ve selected a few tracks that seem to encompass what I think should be on the minds of our politicians as we move forward into a new administration.

Here we go…

For Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State: Frankie Beverly and Maze, “We Are One”

Hillary needs to put this on her iPod on repeat while she’s flying to the Middle East, Russia, and dodging potential bullets in Bosnia.  Simple message that can be the cornerstone of “Smart Strength.”

For Timothy Geithner, Secretary of The Treasury: Billy Paul, “Let The Dollar Circulate”

It was true in 1973, its true now.  Sec. Geithner needs to get a boombox and walk the halls of the Treasury Department playing this shit as a new mantra.

For Eric Holder, Attorney General: Rockwell, “Somebody’s Watching Me”

Because he’s the #1 Fed and well, the feds ain’t been playing lately with the phone taps and such (see: Meech, Big or Blagojevich, Rod).

Susan Rice, Ambassador to the United Nations: Bob Marley, “So Much Trouble In The World”

How they keep the floor of the United Nations from devolving into an international battle royal or bunkhouse stampede is something I just can’t figure out.  I don’t know about you, but if I was the ambassador from Lower Povertyistan and we had just got invaded by Upper Povertyistan, I’d be looking for that fool who’s their ambassador to serve him a knuckle sandwich… instead, they sit around with those great big old school earbud thingys on and try to work it out.

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska: Vesta Williams, “Congratulations”

Because its an anthem for bitter losers who are trying to contrive some feeling of benevolence.

Roland Burris, Junior Senator from Illinois: Kool Moe Dee, “How Ya Like Me Now”

He should play this on his first day on the Senate floor while doing the running man and throwing up middle fingers to everyone.  Then, once he takes his seat, he should reach in his briefcase and pull out a giant bologna and cheese sandwich and start eating it during roll call while saying something like, “Fuck all y’all!  I gots me a seat, bitches!”… I’d watch CSPAN all day to see that.

Rod Blagojevich, Governor of Illinois: Notorious BIG, “Gimme The Loot”

Because Gov. Gangster just don’t give a fuck.

Joe Biden, Vice President: Run DMC, “You Talk Too Much”

I ain’t lying.  I’m sure that at least three times in the past week, someone’s wanted to tell this man to shut his piehole and go play with his puppy or something.

Vladamir Putin, Prime Minister of Russia: EPMD, “You Gots To Chill”

Seriously, son… He needs to go somewhere and try some yoga or something.

Barack Obama, President Of The United States: Willie Hutch, “Brother Gonna Work It Out”

Not just as a saying, but as a rallying cry.  We elected him and now, not only must we must hold him accountable, we must be held accountable as well.  This is a chance for our generation to grab the bull by the horns and make America what we want it to be.  But what I’m afraid is going to happen is that, four years from now, after all the t-shirts, calendars, plates, and commemortive coins have been sold, and everyone’s gotten over their Barack Hussein Hangover, folks is still gonna be lost and wondering what we’re supposed to be doing.  We gotta work it out.

And that leads me to my last inaguration jam, for the American People

De La Soul, “Stakes Is High”

An Open Letter To Black People RE: Barack Obama/Jesus…

Dear Black People,

Barack Obama is not your new Jesus.

*Not Barack Obama

Since the election and leading up to the inauguration, I’ve been bombarded with all kinds of emails and forwards about Barack Obama and Obama related paraphernalia from t-shirts to coins to plates to calendars and I’m here to say, on the record, that we’ve gone too far.  It seems like every day I encounter another piece of Obama related messiah worship and another black person thinking that somehow their vote for Obama gives them the right to cede personal responsibility and accountability to a man who’s a mere mortal, at best, and a politician, at worst.

Black people, please stop thinking that Barack Obama cares about you.

Now, let me clarify… I’m sure that as a collective community and as a people Obama has feelings about and for the black experience that no other president before him has and that’s a good thing… But you personally and your opinions about “black” issues, he doesn’t care.

Just so you know, Barack Obama doesn’t have time to care about the following black issues:

-Reparations
-The NBA
-Police Brutality
-Teen Pregnancy
-What happened to UPN
-Dogfighting
-Whether or not to put Big Momma in a home
-Pardoning your favorite rapper who might be in jail (keep ya head up Kool C!)
-Whether or not universal health care will cover “The Sugar”
-The Williams Sisters

He will not show up at your birthday party and turn water into wine.  He will not have five fish and two loaves of bread and feed you and 10,000 of your friends.  When he travels abroad, he will use Air Force One and not walk across the ocean, and he’s not going to be able to raise any of your dead homies from the grave.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

He’s a politician and a good one at that, but if you’re looking for him to be your messiah, please reconsider.

I’m saying this for two reasons.  The first being that I’m tired of seeing this messiahfication of the man.  The hats, the shirts, the calendars, the framed pictures and the like. I was in Atlanta last week and someone came up to my car and offered to sell me a veritable myriad of Obama related merchandise and when I declined he said, “We’ll see what the nigga does for YOU then!” as if the president elect was Santa Claus and knew if I was sleeping, awake, bad, or good.  I know what Obama’s probably going to do for me and my expectations are quite reasonable… hopefully he’ll find a way to lower my taxes and keep businesses afloat so I can stay in a job.  That’s about it.  If he does one or the other, I’m quite happy.

The second reason why I’m saying this is because I don’t want to get to June and have black folks get their collective feelings hurt when they realize that Obama isn’t coming to your house to personally say grace over your food and smoke a joint with you.  I know what going to happen, once everyone comes off this Obama high and realizes that the man is a mortal, folks are gonna start trating him worse than other poiticians before…

“Fuck that nigga the president!”

“Man, we shoulda elected that old muthafucka McCain!”

“Obama didn’t make my teeth whiter!”

I can see it now.  Barber shops and beauty salons all over America brimming with vitriol from black folks upset that Obama didn’t help them lose weight, didn’t take their kids to school, and forgot to call them on their birthdays.

I’m just saying folks, let’s be reasonable.

That’s not saying we can’t be excited for change and happy to have him in office… Its just saying that there’s limits to what the man can really do.

That said, I got them Obama prayer cloths for sale for $19.99… Holla at me!

Sincerely,

R. Corey Richardson