I Only Wish The Man Had Four Feet…

Then maybe he would have landed one or two…

But I am impressed with the president’s cat-like reflexes.

I call this Iraqi journalist, Sole Brother #1

Seven Things I Want For Christmas That No One’s Gonna Buy Me…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

If you’re 10.

And you’ve been bugging your mom and dad for that bike since June.

And you got good grades, ate all your vegetables, and refrained from beating your sister up for the past three months, so you know ol’ Santy Claus is about to hook you up with a shiny new Mongoose on mag wheels with the polychrome finish and the one hand brake in the back on page four of the Conte’s Bikes catalog.

Oh, its coming for you.

But not for me.

See, I’m 30… and it this point in my life the holiday season is more of a hassle than it is a time of comfort and joy.   Case and point, this year I’ll be spending the holidays at home in Virginia.  After a full year of work, a cross country move, and nearly non-stop travel schedule, and a calendar that hasn’t been free since 2005, I get to visit my mother and sleep on the sofa in the living room.  Not that its that bad.  I’ll be happy to be with my family, my nieces are of the age where Christmas means new toys and waking up at o’dark:30 to see what the fat man brought and, well, that conflicts with my desire to lay around the house in my robe, watch Maury and drink bourbon while I get ready for 2009.

But that’s the sacrifice that’s worth it.

And since I’m neck deep in Dora, Hannah Montana, American Girls, and Barbie, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be getting what I really want for Christmas this year.

So I made me a list (and I’m checking it twice), of all the things that, in a perfect world, I’d get for Christmas this year.  Think of it as a wishlist for my own edification and sanity.  And if you happen to stumble across any of these items and decide you want to send them my way, feel free.  Giving is better than recieving… all though, I’ll recieve like a muhfucka.

1.) 7,000 extra miles on United:  I don’t know what it is about my travel schedule, but it always seems like at the end of the year, I got just enough miles with American, United, Northwest, Delta, and Southwest to *almost* qualify for some good shit, but never quite enough.  So, based on my flights this year and based on my travel goals for next year, I can see that I’m furthest from a bonus on United.  If someone shoots me the 7,000 miles, that puts me at 25,000 for the year and gets me a free flight.  I can earn the rest myself.

2.) A Bottle Of Harold’s Chicken Mild Sauce:  Anyone from Chicago will tell you that Harold’s Chicken just ain’t right unless you get it with the mild sauce.  I do not know what mild sauce entails, although it is something like a sweet barbecue sauce slathered over a pile of glorious wings and fries.  While I cannot recreate the effect of 16 year old chicken grease and the flavor it emparts on the wings, I can recreate the mild sauce.  If someone can get me a gallon of it, I will name my first born after you.

3.) A Morehouse Letterman’s Jacket:  I’m a proud Morehouse alum and every year when I go down for homecoming or graduation, its too warm or I’m too frugal to drop the $300 on the jacket.  Then the winter hits and I think, “Man, I sure would like one of them jackets” and I don’t have one.  I’ll make the folks at Morehouse a deal, I’ll come to campus and speak to the students and all I’ll charge them is airfare and one of those jackets.  I’ll pay for my own hotel and catch the MARTA to campus.  Someone get me that jacket!

4.) An Autotune Machine:  I can’t front, I’m a T-Pain fan and nothing would make me happier than to be able to replicate the hit sounds of Teddy Pain in the privacy of my own home.  In fact, and I’m gonna be real honest here, I’d take that shit with me wherever I went.  I’d use it on conference calls at work (We’re looking at them Q4 numbas, and our projections are unda…), in the drive-thru at Wendy’s (Lemme get that Cajun Cajun Chicken Chicken…), and even at home with my old lady (Do you want them scrambled eggs chopped and screwed?).  Me with an my autotune would be inseparable, I want it like Ralphie wanted the Red Ranger BB gun… I may never speak to people in my normal voice again.

5.) A New MacBook:  Because that sonofabitch Steve Jobs got me good.  I bought mine five weeks before the new ones came out and no one told me to wait.  That bastard owes me.

6.) A New Kanye West Album That Doesn’t Suck:  Listening to 808s and Heartbreaks is like finding out your favorite basketball player raped a teenage girl and then finding out that teenage girl is your cousin.  I may never forgive Kanye for this one.

7.) Cash:  No strings attached, in a briefcase, preferably in sorted stacks of $500 worth of 20s each.  I won’t ask where it came from and you don’t have to ask what I’m spending it on.  Just send the loot, and that would be fine with me.  And don’t worry, I don’t snitch.

I probably won’t get any of the things on this here list, and that’s fine… I just wanted to share my wishes with someone so I can at least pretend like I’ll get something more than a crick in my neck and a dent in my wallet this holiday.  Feel free to comment about what you want for Christmas and won’t get.  We’ll have a support group.