Yeah, I Saw That Bullshit Too…

But in an effort to get my hit count up, I decided to post it.

Get This Man A Wifebeater Or Something.

Yo, and a major no-homo here, but that muhfucka is in great shape… I mean, I hope I can stay in shape like that when I’m 47.

I’m about to go do some push-ups now.

Ten Things That I Hope Go Away In 2009.

My President Is Black.

2009, hell yeah!  Finally time to turn the page, start anew, and get to doing all the things we promised to do in 2007, but got too caught up in Obamamania to do in 2008.  We’re about to get a new year and a clean slate… Blah, blah, blah.

But before we make the leap and welcome in the new year, we gotta take a moment to reflect on some shit that just needs to cease for us to progress in 2009.  Oh yes folks, it time for yet another list.  This time, we’re compiling ten things that will hopefully be a woeful memory in 09.  Let’s play!

10.) Polls:  I swear fo’ gawd that if I see one more poll of one more group of people who have been microsliced to tell me what I’m supposed to think about what they’re supposed to think, I’m going to jump through the TV and kickslap Chuck Todd (and yes, I can jump throuh my TV and yes, there is a such thing as a kickslap… trust me, you don’t want to see it.).  It seemed like in 2008, everyone had a poll; USA Today, McClatchy, RealClearPolitics, Mason-Dixon, Safeway, Ben & Jerry’s, etc…. and all these polls did was tell me shit that anyone with common sense could extrapolate:  Appalachian white people weren’t gonna vote for Obama (duh.).  Old white people weren’t gonna vote for Obama (double duh).  Black people were going to vote for Obama in record numbers (duh, nigga).  Fact is, all that polling did little to actually sway opinion and the numbers the really mattered in this election were in people’s 401K statements.  As that went down, Obama’s chances of winning went up.

9.) David Plouffe:  If I get one more email from David Plouffe and Obama For America soliciting anymore of my money I’m going to build a time machine out of an old DeLorean, fire up the flux capacitor, generate the 1.21 jiggowatts necessary to make time travel possible by accelerating to 88 miles per hour, and I’m going to go back to Nov. 4 2008 and vote for John McCain.  THE ELECTION’S OVER, HOMEY!  I read the papers, these muhfuckas raised damn near a billion dollars, so why they hitting me up for more?  If David Plouffe is looking for a new gig now that the election is over, I say he goes to work for the child support people or a collection agency.  He has no shame asking you for money.

8.) Billy Mays:  You know, as in, “HI, I’M BILLY MAYS AND I’M GONNA SHOW YOU THE NEW REVOLUTIONARY CARPET CLEANER THAT’S REVOLUTIONISING THE CLEANING OF CARPETS!”.  I broke down and bought one of those products, the one for scratches in your car’s paint, and the shit worked about as well as treating a leper with cocoa butter.  The scratch is still there and even more pronounced since its full of that crap cream.  Him and the Sham-Wow guy need to get into a single engine Cessna and crash into Ron Popeil’s house.

7.) Armondo Montelongo:  Because he’s a douchenozzle and him and people of his ilk should be beaten with rakes.  He’s like the Biff Tannen of house flipping.  I really can’t say much more about this guy except that he’s a genuine sack of shit and I hope that everyone gets money from the bailout except him.

6.) Amy Winehouse:  Tim Russert died and this bitch is still alive?  Fuck trying to make her go to rehab, can someone just put this woman in a funeral home and call it a day.  Not that I wish death upon anyone, but for her, it would be a dramatic improvement.

5.) Sean Hannity:  The more and more I listen to Sean Hannity the more I’m convinced that he’s a homosexual who is strongly attracted to black men (which would make him and Ann Coulter the same person… more on her later).  I’ve never seen someone get such a ideological hard-on as Hannity has over Obama.  I’m going to start a 2009 Sean Hannity Drinking Game where you watch his show on Fox News and take a shot if he says the following words of phrases

-Radical Associations

-Rev. Wright

-Bill Ayers

-Tony Rezko

-Father Pfleger

-Socialism

-Palling around with…

-This guy’s friends.

I won’t play this drinking game myself because I’d be hammered before the first commercial break.  I would like to violate the Guy Code and kick Sean Hannity in the nuts.

4.) Joe The Plumber:  Words can’t express my disdain for him, so I will borrow from the poet Mike Tyson, “”Joe The Plumber, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”… that about sums up my feelings.

3.) Bill Kristol:  From his “I’m always right even when I was clearly wrong” philosophy to his neo-conservative agenda that’s killed the Republican party (that he won’t accept blame for) to the shit eating grin on his face, I want to see Bill Kristol take a long walk off a short pier.  I would happily pay a homeless man $100 to punch him in the face.

2.) Karl Rove:  So much for being a political “genius”… This guy is the reason why we’ve been so thoroughly fucked over the past eight years and instead of getting on TV and offering Seppuku on live TV, this sonofabitch acts like things really aren’t that bad and that history will judge the Bush Administration favorably.  Karl, you’re 0-5… among your greatest misses were the Iraq War, the “Ownership Society,”  poisonous tax cuts, Swiftboat Vets For The Truth, and the last season of Lost (it might not be his fault, but I’m blaming him for it anyway… and I’ll also say he was executive producer of 808’s and Heartbreaks too, fuck him).  Rove’s politics of 51/49 and division are the direct reason why after eight years, Americans elected a black president… Do you realize just how legitimately fucked up things have to be before America says, “Hey, let’s let the black guy fix it?”  Shit, man… Auburn isn’t ready for a black head coach unless the white one goes like 0-11 three years in a row.  If you want to know what’s wrong with America, blame Karl Rove and then kick him in the shin.

1.)  Sarah Palin:  God I hope this hillbilly woman goes back to her igloo and discovers the wonderful virtue of shutting the fuck up.  I don’t have the words to summarize just how horrible this woman is, but let’s just say that I’d like to violate the guy code and kick her in the nuts too.  If I learned anything this year its that the only thing worth watching from Alaska is The Deadliest Catch.

Have You Joined The Group On Facebook Yet?

In an effort to raise my profile as a celebrity on them innanets, I’ve created a group on Facebook for everyone to join who enjoys reading this blog or wants to pretend like they read this blog to earn credibility with their friends and associates (kinda like those people in your office who get the Wall St. Journal, but they work in shipping and recievables).  Anyways, if you get a chance, check the group out…

I’m better than you because I read Vexed In The City.

And by reading Vexed In The City, you are better than most… its true.

I was merely trying to give Gov. Blagojevich 25,000 reasons why I should fill that senate seat

Thanks for being a part of this.

Give This Guy Hank Paulson’s Job…

At least he knows what shit in America really costs.

Gay People, Please Calm Down

Not A Friend Of Dorothy.

Barack Obama announced that he’s asked Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church of California to deliver the invocation at his inauguration in January and gay people across America are upset.  They’re nearly rioting in the streets (albeit an orderly, well coordinated riot with everyone matching and cake and punch… but I digress) over this decision because of Warren’s open support of California’s Proposition 8 and opposition to gay marriage.

Gay people… calm the fuck down.

I know it must be hard for the GLBT community to watch as their savior of liberalness embraces a social conservative in the spirit of national unity after they gave him overwhelming electoral support, but I got news for homosexuals today… Rick Warren is not your enemy.

Nope.  In the grand scheme of labeling the enemies of gays in America, Rich Warren isn’t even in the top 100 or even top 1000.  In fact, gay people really don’t have much to worry about from Pastor Warren, he’s a non-entity in your universe.

Lemme explain some shit real quick…

I’m black, and I’ve been black for about 30 years now and I’ve gotten quite good at it.  One of the things I’ve come to know as a common experience of my blackness and the blackness of others is discrimination.  It comes in all kinds of forms, it comes from all kinds of people, and it comes at all kinds of times, but there’s never a time when someone tells me to my face that they don’t like black people and I get upset.  Hell, when someone tells me to my face that they don’t like me, its really a weight off my shoulders because I no longer have to worry about them discriminating against me… They won’t.  And do you know why?  Because once someone admits to being a racist, I know the exact nature of our relationship.

I won’t ask them for shit.  They won’t give me shit.  We’ll call it even at that.

And then I move on.

Back to the gay people.

So what if the muthafucka that Barack Obama asked to say grace at his inauguration don’t like homosexuals?  I mean, what were y’all planning on asking him for anyway?  It isn’t like there are gay people lined up outside the Saddleback Church waiting for a job or a sandwich.  Its not like his edification is the key to your happiness.  Hell, he doesn’t even know you or your boyfriend/girlfriend.  He’s just one less muthafucka you gotta worry about.

Rick Warren isn’t your enemy because Rick Warren can’t do anything to you or for you.  He’s just another guy who has an opinion that you don’t share.  Get over it, move on.

Your real enemies are the people who you don’t know.  Your real enemies are the ones who silently went into the voting booth and voted YES on Prop 8, then returned to work, had a cup of coffee with you and asked you if the jeans they were wearing made their butt look big.  Your real enemy isn’t the person who would speak his mind against you, your real enemy is the person who would conspire their thoughts to harm you and say nothing of it.

Its not the white person who calls me a nigger to my face that I’m worried about.  Its the white person who acts like my friend while they think I’m a nigger that I got an issue with.

So instead of throwing your well manicured and gay hands in the air in protest, be cool.  You know who Rick Warren is and what he’s about and there’s nothing you can do to change him or that fact.

And for those who want to get mad at Barack Obama for asking him to deliver the invocation, I got some bad news for you too.  A lot of people voted for Obama and a lot of the folks who voted for him aren’t down with gay marriage either.  That’s why Prop 8 passed.  It’s called democracy, the people vote and sometimes they make choices you don’t like (see President George W. Bush 2000/2004).  That’s what being a minority is about sometimes, not getting your way… Black folks know the deal, we dealt with that slavery shit for a minute.

All that said, be cool.  Be happy that you got a muhfucka in office who’s on your side and stop sweating who he prays with, plays ball with, gets money from, or cuts his hair because if you start going on a homophobic witch hunt, you might start turning up some of your friends.

Congratulations To Chuck Todd… He’s White.

Either that, or the folks at Huffington Post need to do a better job editing…

Chuck Todd: HCIC

Does this mean Lester Holt will be the Chief Black Correspodent?  And what about Ann Curry, what ethnicity is she going to go to bat for?

What The Fuck Is Up With Your Hat, Man?

Today, Barack Obama named Ken Salazar as his Secretary Of The Interior… unfortunately, Ken Salazar doesn’t have anyone in his immediate family or circle of friends who loves him enough to point out the fact that he looks like a douchebag.

Ken Salazar on the right.

I thought he was just inappropriately attired for his appointment to the most important job he’s held in his life, but apparently I was wrong.

Turns out, Sen. Salazar likes to wear a cowboy hat indoors at all kinds of wrong times.  I guess the question, “Does this guy look like a dork or what?” doesn’t get asked too much during vetting sessions.

Dork.

Here’s Sen. Salazar at the DNC in Denver this past summer.  Two thumbs up for the state of Colorado, two thumbs down for that shit on your head.

I’ve decided now that when President-Elect Obama finally creates the Department Of Sarcasm And Randomly Slapping People In The Street and I’m named Secretary of said department, I’m going to wear a Washington Nationals fitted and a pair of matching Dunks.  I can’t look any worse that this guy.

Not That I Needed Another Reason To Not Like Jesse Jackson Jr.

A licky boom boom down (c) Snow

Turns out good ol’ JJ Jr. was the one who first went to the feds about Rod Blagojevich last summer.  In true negro fashion, Congressman Jackson responded by saying that while he had offered information, he was not an “informant”… Thus separating the pepper from the fly shit, of course.

Anyways, I really didn’t like Jesse Jr. to start with, and now I have a new reason to add to my list… He’s a snitch.

This Is Why White People Keep Stealing Other White People’s Money…

Someone please punch this man.

See that guy right there?  That’s Bernie Madoff.  Maybe you’ve heard of him, he’s the white guy who single handedly sent the global economy reeling this week with the revelation that he swindled folks out of an estimated $50 billion in what he described to his staff as a “giant Ponzi scheme.”  He was bonded out of jail today and this photo was taken of him walking down Park Avenue to his $7 million apartment in the city.

Aiight.

Aiight.

If you’re white and you’re reading this you’re probably thinking, “Such a travesty!  How could someone steal so much money!”

If you’re black and you’re reading this you’re probably thinking, “Yo, son gonna steal all that money and just walk the streets without at least one person trying to steal on him?”

For the record, the black response is the proper response.

You see, the reason why white people fall victim to white collar crimes isn’t because they’re exposed to any greater risk or more invested or smarter than black people.  No.  The reason why white people get jacked in white collar crimes is because, for white collar criminals (who are mostly white) they know they can steal money and ain’t shit gonna happen.  So they do… and they steal big.

Most black theives are only gonna steal that which they can carry, need, and stash without someone getting wise… Why?  Because if you a nigga and you take shit from another nigga, please know that that nigga will be looking for you and that might just be your ass.  I live in a white neighborhood and instead of getting a WE CALL POLICE sign to put in my window to deter possible property crimes, I got a sign that says “I’M BLACK AND I CALL OTHER BLACK PEOPLE” because that’s a proper deterrent for the dumb shit.

But as long as the threat of a fist to the jaw, shank to the abdomen, or hot bullet to the gut isn’t apparent, rich white people are gonna keep on thinking its cool to steal from one another.

Don’t get it twisted, folks… Madoff stole $50 Bil and was strolling the streets today like it was nothing.  Had he even thought to get me for $50 I woulda been waiting outside of jail with a dirty sock full of loose change to beat him with, and then I would camp out in front of his house every day until he went to trial just to make sure I got to beat him with something new and exotic every morning.  He would be safer in jail.

But not on Wall St.. That’s not how they do business.

I only hope they find out one of his clients was a gangster rapper or purported Columbian drug lord.  Then, at least, we’d know this guy would get what he’s got coming.

*please note that while I do think this guy is a horrible sack of shit, I don’t advocate random violence against anyone and would urge all to let him have a fair trial.

I Only Wish The Man Had Four Feet…

Then maybe he would have landed one or two…

But I am impressed with the president’s cat-like reflexes.

I call this Iraqi journalist, Sole Brother #1