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How The Hell Did I Get Here?

There are some times when you can see, in a fleeting moment and the most brief of seconds, the sharp tinge of regret as it pierces one’s face and betrays the steely nerve or facade of strength that they’ve built for themselves.  Its not to be confused with self pity or some type of deep introspection that leads to an acute revelation, its just that awareness of a harsh reality when one wonders, “How the hell did I get here?”.

It usually comes at that moment when we realize that we’ve betrayed some standard of self or gone against our own personal code of conduct and realize that our fate for doing so is sealed.  You see it on the face of the man when he gets handcuffed or the woman in the store as she’s caught shoplifting.  You see it on the student’s face when he gets a D on a midterm or the employee as they send out the email as a “reply all” when they meant to just send it to one person.  The second you become resigned to the truth of now and realize that you’ve made a mistake that you may not be able to fix… how the hell did I get here?

I was watching CNN this weekend and I saw an exchange between Sen. John McCain and an attendee at a town hall meeting in Wisconsin.  Now, the tone and the tenor at these rallys had been building from political cheerleading to mild hate-mongering for a few weeks and, after being called out by the media and members of his own party, Sen. McCain was now making an effort to tamp down on the vitriol.

As I watched the exchange between the senator and the voter, Gayle Quinnell, I was first shocked by the comment from the audience…

“He’s not, he’s not, he’s… he’s… he’s an Arab.”

“No ma’am.  No ma’am, he’s not…”

I that moment, I should have felt some kind of way about it.

Anger.

Disgust.

Disappointment.

But for some reason, I didn’t feel any of those things… I couldn’t draw on those emotions because I was overcome by another.  Pity.

You see, that exchange made me realize that John McCain is now realizing that he’s lost.  Not just the election, not just a vote, but he’s lost his identity… he was wondering how the hell he got here.

What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul?

There was a time when John McCain was a pragmatic conservative, respected on both sides of the aisle in the Senate because of his ability to temper his ideology with the real world solutions required to make decisions.  He wasn’t so much a maverick as he was a man honor bound to do what he felt was best for the greater good.  He called it straight talk, and that earned him the respect and admiration of both Republicans and Democrats.  He didn’t always toe the party line, it made him some friends, and it made him some enemies.  But this run for the presidency, unlike his run in 2000, is marked by a different John McCain.  One who is a panderer instead of a leader, picking Sarah Palin as his running mate to appease the social conservative base.  One that made him curmudgeonly instead of the happy warrior, choosing to use a strategy of constant attack versus offering solutions as a counter balance to his opponents ideas.  One that saw he toss aside more pragmatic conservatives like Mike Murphy and surround himself with lobbyists like Rick Davis and Charlie Black and Rove acolytes like Steve Schmidt.  All the while taking bad advice and worse advice until he would up standing in front of Gayle Quinnell snatching the microphone and trying, in seconds, to atone for mistakes he has been making for months.

You can see it in his face, the consternation beset by regret.  Knowing in that second that he had created this jingoistic monster and was now powerless to stop it.

“No ma’am… No ma’am, he’s not.”

Not the resolute straight talk you’d expect from a maverick or the call for mutual respect expected from the officer class of the armed forces.  More the shrinking overature for some semblance of personal redemption from a man wondering how the hell he got to where he is.

Its pitiful because, while the blame could be shifted to others, the results for such poor decisions falls squarely on himself.

I gotta admit… I feel bad for the guy.

I also pity the McCain supporters at some of these rallys.  They’re not so much racist as they are scared because they don’t know what the world is going to be like if there is change.  They fear change and all of its vestiges, and so they shroud themselves in the known, and yes, cling to guns and religion and antipathy.  This is the antpathy that makes them scream “terrorist” or “kill him” when they’re confronted with the highly probable idea that there could be a black president and that their homes are losing value, their jobs aren’t safe, and their bills may not get paid.  They’re wondering how they hell they got here too.  The people who had promised to keep them prosperous and protect the status quo (economically and socially) have failed them and now, instead of rallying behind a candidate, they rally behind the idea that someone can make things they way they used to be.

I’m sorry Mrs. Quinnell, things will never be they way they used to be.

So, before we go flying off the handle and assailing some of these people by calling them racists, remember that they’re not as much hate filled as they are afraid.  They don’t know what’s going to happen next and the fear-mongers and separatists who have promoted an agenda of supremacy of culture can no longer make them the same promises, blacks are moving into their neighborhoods, Mexicans are coming over their borders, and their jobs are going to China.  Now they’re supposed to accept a black president with a Muslim name and just move with the systemic change that this will bring about in America?  Not likely.

Be patient… they hate what they fear and they fear the unknown.

Be vigilant… the time for change is coming whether some like it or not.

Be proactive… remember, this game is still on and will continue past November regardless of who wins the White House.

Just remember how the hell we got here and be encouraged that we’ll get there eventually… wherever there happens to be.